Sunday, May 12, 2002
It has recently been brought to my attention that I seem to lack confidence.
But what does that mean, exactly? I think lots of people use words with only the vaguest notion of what those words mean. ("Self-esteem", particularly, seems to get bandied about a lot.)
If I watch a cluster of people and they seem fairly sure that something will happen, then I am confident to some degree that it will happen. If I trust their judgment little, it may not be much of a degree; if I trust it a lot, it may be with the certainty that the sun will shine down on me tomorrow.
I base my confidences on the confidences of others.
People don't generally assume, or believe, that I have skills, AFAICT. Most of the time people seem to treat me in one of three ways: Don't Know You (most people don't), Aren't You Something! (usually when I can program their VCR for them) or Careful, Doofus (usually when I'm driving my car into a garage or attempting to purchase something). None of these inspire confidence. DKY is really just what people get passing you on the street if you don't stand out, with pink hair or somesuch. AYS! is kind of like watching your dog roll over. CD is just insulting.
Sure, people treat me differently sometimes; I'm just classifying perhaps 90% of the interactions people have with me on a regular basis.
This has come to a head recently because -- as my brothers pointed out to me -- I could be making some money with some of the things that I can apparently do. However -- when you explain to most people what you do in a day and they get a blank look, you can't trust their judgment.
When you don't have any colleagues or collaborators -- just people you rarely, rarely help with the easiest things -- you either end up with fawning admirers or acquaintences.
Maybe I should just ask one of my previous classmates to sit down with me, give me the once-over intellectually. Just so I have some idea of whether or not I'm actually competent.
Then again, perhaps this is a long-thinking defense mechanism: If I never work with anybody, they'll never find out that I'm bad!
Perhaps. It's worth thinking into, anyway.
posted by Gregory 11:55 PM
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